”But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”
(1 Corinthians 7:9)
To my fellow sisters in Christ: If a man is trying to take you to bed and you are not his wife, he does not respect you. Your body is the temple of God. I don’t care how much he compliments you, believe me, it’s a setup, and don’t believe the hype. He may say, “Girl, you are so fine! So sexy! You look so good! I’m just so attracted to you!” All this may be true, but if “you are all that and a bag of chips” why isn’t he trying to put a ring on your finger and make you his wife? Wake up, girl, look alive! He is just trying to get into your panties! It’s a game! You are smarter than that.
Don’t fall for the line “I’m a man and men are physical beings.” Real men are honorable.
Don’t give your body to a man who does not love and respect you enough to make you his wife. I mean really, haven’t you been down that road before and look where it has gotten you. This is not the time to have amnesia. Preserve your body for a well-deserving man, your future husband. When you give yourself over and over again, each time you give away a piece of your virtue. Save it for the man who loves and respects you enough to marry you. It is a big deal. Stop saying it’s not. So what that everybody else is doing it–you’re not everybody else. Everyone will have to answer to the Lord. What will your answer be? Everybody else was doing it?
Whether you have children, whether you have had several sexual partners in the past, it doesn’t really matter. Today is a new day! You have a reason to smile and to hold your head up high. You have a reason to value yourself. Regardless of your past, let go of the shame and hurt because God gives you a clean slate.
And to the Men I Say…
Men, don’t fool yourselves into thinking you can be playboys and it doesn’t affect you, because it does. I’ve had conversations with men who say, as if it’s a revelation, that sex is better when you love the person. That means sex with someone you don’t love is not satisfying. It only satisfies your physical body, the same as scratching an itch. Deep inside, you know that it is wrong and you also feel used because you have given yourself to a woman who does not deserve to have your body in such a way. Men need to think on their actions too.
”I say then, walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident which are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outburst of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
(Galatians 5:16-19)
Single men, as I mentioned before there is an apparent double standard on this issue and it is not just in the secular world but also in the Christian world. However, with God there is no such double standard. Single men are often given accolades for the more women they can have. They are labeled “the man” while the woman is labeled . . . well, you know the names. What you men may fail to realize is that fornication also has a negative effect on your lives. You are also left with emotional scars and guilt, shame, feelings of rejection, and other pain, not to mention that you are not immune from disease. How many men reading this book have no idea how many children they have fathered and are not going to be a part of their lives? Or perhaps you know that you have fathered children with a woman you don’t care for at all, and you don’t want any dealings with her. You have turned your back on your child or children; the things you must do to drawn out the pain. No matter what you tell yourself, you will one day have to stand before God and answer for why you discarded your children.
Contrary to popular beliefs, men don’t deal with being lonely very well at all. Many times that is why men are unfaithful in a relationship. Once they have determined the relationship to be over, men will often secure another relationship prior to walking away physically. I would even say that more men than women do not want to be single or take the time to get to know themselves; men will often spend their time being single dating, dating, and more dating–instead of getting themselves together.
Regardless of how the secular and Christian world may turn a blind eye to your behavior, God cannot and He will not turn a blind eye. He sees everything. Lying to yourself, telling yourself “I’m just a man,” is no excuses, brothers. Don’t you think that our Father knew you where men when He gave you His commandments to abstain from fornication? God will never give you a commandment that is impossible to keep. You have to stop being delusional because you know that you feel guilty and shameful. You know in your heart what you are doing is not right. Change and be transformed in your minds by the Word of God. Yes, God is full of mercy and grace, but grace and mercy do not give you a free pass to sin. You must turn to the Lord. Many men will even hold positions in the church knowing they are engaging in fornication and think it’s OK because at the moment lightning has not yet struck them dead. Chances are that won’t be happening, but judgment day is inevitable. Saying “I’m sorry, Lord, forgive me” and then continuing in your sins is not acceptable to God. Repentance means to turn from your sins and not to continue in your sins.
Let your minds be renewed by the Word of God, turn from your sinful ways and live for God. This is the only way you will have real peace. Are you a leader or a follower? Because if you are following sin, its wages are death, but if you are following the ways of God, His wages are life. Be a man with standards!
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Stop Lying to Yourself

First things first: Admit that premarital sex is wrong. I asked myself: would you go into the church, a temple for worship, and lay down on the altar and have sex or masturbate or have oral sex? Then why would we do it in our bodies, which are also the temples of God?

God’s eyes are in every place. We should live aware that God’s eyes never leave us, even if we are having sex. We would never have sex unlawfully if we could see God in the flesh sitting over in a corner watching us. “ For this is the Will of God, your sanctification that you should abstain from fornication.”

(1 Thessalonians 4:3)

When Myra first meet Terrance she knew right from wrong; however, she had started spending more and more time with Terrance and less time with God. She allowed sin one foot in her life, and before she knew it she was engaged in a full-fledged sinful relationship.

Be Alert

Be watchful of tricky situations. Don’t even open a door for sin to creep in. One way to keep doors closed and avoid future problems is by avoiding all inappropriate situations and relationships. Things always start off innocent enough, but they always seem to take a turn for the worse when it’s something we should have avoided to begin with. Myra’s relationship with Terrance began by them both saying that they were “just friends.” Myra had no business being friends with a married man unless she was going to be friends with his wife too. Myra should have never spent any time alone with Terrance. She should have listened to the voice that told her this was an inappropriate situation. When she didn’t, she opened doors that should have stayed closed.

Pray

Talk to God. That is what prayer is. Make this a part of your daily life. Consider it spiritual exercise that you should be doing every day. You don’t have to be deep and all spiritual to do this or know the words to some ancient prayer. The same way you would speak to a friend is the same way you can speak to God. Ask Him to help you to live your life in a way that it is pleasing to Him. You ask Him for strength and ask Him to teach you His ways. It does not have to be long and drawn out; just speak from your heart.

Ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit.

You can be honest with God because there is nothing you can hide from Him anyway. He is not like people. He is neither judgmental nor hypocritical, and best of all you don’t even have to worry about Him telling anyone. Talking to God is extremely important to do daily. Look at it this way: if you were in a relationship and the person did not like to spend time with you, wouldn’t you have a problem with that? If this pattern were to continue for weeks, months, or even years, wouldn’t it be safe to say that you didn’t even know the person? How can you say you know God or that He knows you if you don’t spend time with each other? You are not in a relationship with God if you don’t communicate with Him. Therefore, it is imperative to spend quality time with God daily.

Ask God to lead you to a Bible-teaching church and then attend it regularly.

Have you noticed every time you “slip“ it is during a time in which you are not really spending intimate time with the Lord? Maybe little quick prayers here or there, “hitting and missing” is what it is often called. Have you really decreased spending personal time in worship but increased watching television, R-rated movies, chatting with friends, maybe listening to vulgar secular music? If the answer is yes, you need to get back on track with God! What makes us think that if we cannot be faithful to Him that we would be able to be faithful to a spouse after marriage?

{Q}”Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

(1 Peter 5:8)

In the Word of God, we are always warned to be “sober,” be “vigilant or alert.”

Communication with the Lord is imperative!

Pray without ceasing.”

(1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Maintain Your Position with God

Be consistent. It takes work to maintain your relationship with the Lord. It is not once saved, always saved. You must maintain a relationship with God. Simply put, your inconsistency in your relationship with God is exactly why you have the problem with fornication. You and I cannot afford to slack off. We must spend time with the Lord. We must stay spiritual to keep our flesh under subjection to the Will of God for our lives.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend kept on running back and forth between an ex and you, there would be an issue. If he or she kept calling this person, writing love letters, and watching him or her, or not wanting to sever the ties with an ex, there would be a problem. I would not like it, and neither would you. Well, neither does God like it when you keep running back and forth between Him and the devil, not really wanting to sever the ties.

That is why God said that He would rather have you to be hot or cold: all the way for Him or all the way against Him, not somewhere in between. Didn’t you know God has feelings too? God is real, seeing all and knowing all, and there is nothing you can hide from Him.

“Yes, it’s true God is merciful and full of Grace; What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace shall abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?”

(Romans 6:1-2)

Let us never take the grace of God for granted. Tomorrow is not promised to us, and we don’t have a copy of God’s itinerary. That is why the Bible says watch and pray.

I hear so many people say, “Well, we are under grace.” Let me just explain something to you: Jesus did not give His life for you to have a free pass to sin; in other words, grace is not your free pass to sin. To the contrary, Jesus gives you grace to obey the law so that you don’t sin.
”For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 6:23)

Spend Quality Time with God Daily

Study the Bible and pray. The way you spend quality time with God is through reading the Bible (which is His Word or His manual for daily living), and applying the Bible to your daily life. You may be surprised to see how relevant the Bible is to your life. When you read the Bible you are feeding your spiritual being. Humans are made up of three parts: body, soul, and spirit. We can only see the outward, which is the body. We never seem to forget to maintain the body’s appearance, all the while letting the spirit side of us go. Many of us are spiritually out of shape and malnourished.

Meditate

Spend time thinking about what you learn about God and His plan for your life. Find a quiet place each day to be alone and think of all the spiritual things you have learned. Make a conscious choice to live a life of purity. If you are in church or out in the world and you hear something good, take notes. Go back later and study them. Read a scripture and then think about it. How does it apply to your life? Take time to relax and really think about your life. Let what you have learned sink in.

Watch What You Take In

Watch what you SEE, watch what you HEAR, and watch what you DO. When you are trying to lose weight you watch your calorie intake. The same principle applies when you’re trying to purge yourself of fornication or any other sin. You must watch what goes into your spirit. I know that sex is all over television, radio, music, commercials, billboards, est. Please guard your heart and be mindful of what you take in. Never forget that behind everything is a spirit. Music subconsciously feeds your spirit. This can be for the good or for the bad. Rap songs and other types of secular music, for example, are designed to set you in the mood for sin. Love songs are designed to get you in the mood for making love. You listen to that and before you know it, you will want to engage in sexual activities. Why listen to music that goes against the Word of God, married or single?

Think of that old Marvin Gaye song, “Let’s Get It On.” Now you know you have no business listening to a song like that when you’re not married and God does not want you to “Get it on” right now. But when you listen to that song you feed that to your spirit and now your body is craving what you shouldn’t be indulging in right now.

Similarly, watching R-rated movies and other movies where people are engaging in sex may not be a good idea for you either. As you watch those types of movies and TV shows, it is planting bad seeds into your spirit.. Before you know it you’re making a call that you know you have no business making. You know where it’s going to lead because you have been down this road before. If you don’t make that call, you may end up masturbating, which is also fornication. Either way, once it’s over you’re going to feel horrible, so don’t even go there. Don’t even watch those sorts of movies. Just turn them off or excuse yourself.

”But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed, then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin; and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.”

(James 1:14-15)

”Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.”

(Romans 1:32)

This second quote means the men sinned and they approved of other people who also sinned. This is very important: watching pornography, even though you may not be committing the act, if you have pleasure watching others do it, it is the same as though you committed the act yourself. You are sinning by watching and approving of other people’s sins. The worldly music, for instance, you did not record the album, but you listen to it and buy it, so it is the same as if you sang it. You are corrupting your spirit with it. It is the same when you watch certain television shows and some R-rated movies.

When dating you should never come across as desperate; you are not desperate! You don’t have to worry about if everyone you meet is the one. Some women and men are so anxious to make it work with “the one” that they just open up and mentally attack the person. Your mouth may be closed but your actions are saying “pick me…please pick me!” This has to stop!

Don’t call the person’s phone fifty times a day just to say nothing or for petty reasons. Give the person space. Someone once said that a woman’s heart is a deep ocean; don’t reveal too much too soon, ladies. I understand that you want to be honest, as you should; however, don’t give away too much too soon. Require him to prove himself to you first. You need to know that you can trust him. This is not going to be done on the first few dates. This is something that is accomplished over time.

Mistake Two: Dating Someone in Hopes He or She Will Be Just Like Your Ex. Close All Doors of Your Past!

You are not ready for a new relationship until you have firmly closed the doors on past relationships. If you have hopes that one of your past relationships will return to you, others will detect it. No one is interested in someone who is unavailable or only partially available. Close the door on all past relationships if you want to move forward.

Listen, there is a reason that your ex is your ex. I understand that you loved that person and he or she was great; but that individual has moved on and may be married to someone else. It is time for you to let go. God has someone else for you; it is time for you to let go and move on with your life. Some people are subconsciously attracted to the same type of person. Unfortunately, many times the types of people we are attracted to are dysfunctional. For example, a woman may be attracted to a man who is like her dad. Or a man may be attracted to a woman who is like his mother. Or you may be subconsciously attracted to an abusive person. Have you notice something familiar about each of your past relationships? These are important things to recognize and even get counseling for because if you are to successfully enter into a healthy relationship, you must identify what is causing you to go in circles.

It is important to learn from your mistakes. To do so, you must first identify what these mistakes have been. Learning from your mistakes means that you do not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. Many times a woman attracts a certain type of man. Have you noticed that you have a pattern of dating losers? If the answer is yes, listen very carefully to what I am about to tell you: This is happening because of the way you are carrying yourself. You are not carrying yourself as the King’s daughter. You are not carrying yourself as if you are royalty! People can tell within five minutes of talking to you whether you are the type of woman who is weak or strong.

They know within the first five minutes whether you are a confident woman who knows what she wants and who she is. Sometimes men and women are too nice and willing to give anyone a chance. They don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. You have to sort the wheat from the chaff and recognize that by dating these people who aren’t right for you, you are shutting yourself off to the one who is.

Sometimes your date will ask you a line of questions with a motive behind it. That person is trying to find out who you are and what you are made of. More important, your date is trying to find out if YOU know who you are and what you are made of! You must demand respect. Your very presence must demand respect. The only way for this to happen is to have Christ live in you. When you have a strong relationship with God, others will see it.

Your date might tell you something that warrants you putting him in his place. For instance, you are at dinner with a man and he says, “You sure do have a big nose and you’re way too skinny.” If you are a desperate woman just looking for a man (any man) to take you and not carrying yourself as the King’s daughter, you will let him get away with it. However, if you know who you are and you’re determined that no matter how long it takes you are going to wait on the Lord for the right one, you will do the right thing. You will not accept that kind of disrespectful behavior.

Similarly, you may be at dinner with a man who says something like, “Your thighs sure do look tasty. I’d like to taste you.” Think for a minute, how would you respond? Are you flattered or turned off? Know that this is not a compliment. This is disrespectful. Your response should be, “How dare you speak to me like that! Do you realize that I am a royal daughter of the most High God? Never speak to me in such a manner again!” Then, end the date! Another example: you are out to dinner when all of a sudden he says, “Why do you wear a hair weave?” or “How long is your real hair?” or “I like my women natural.” Your response should be, “That’s nice. There are plenty of women out there like that and I wish you success in finding someone who meets your needs.” Then get up and excuse yourself from the situation.

Never let your date insult you, no matter what. He is not just joking. Too many people like to throw rocks and then hide their hands. Hold him accountable! This is the time when he should be putting his best foot forward. If he is insulting you this soon, how is it going to be later in the relationship?

Mistake Three: Expecting Perfection

When dating, many people make a very common mistake of searching for the “perfect” person. We look for someone who will match this fantasy person created in our minds. Our main concern should be whether the person meets God’s requirements. Ask yourself, “Is he or she a Born Again Believer of Jesus Christ?” We should not be looking for an imaginary fantasy mate. Remember, this fantasies only exist as a figment of your imagination. Many people create a list that looks something like this:

My Requirements for a Spouse

1. Is he/she good-looking?
2. How tall is he/she?
3. Does he/she make at least six figures?
4. Does he/she drive a nice car?
5. Is he/she the right race?
6. Does he/she have kids?
7. Does he/she have a nice voice?
8. Does he/she at least believe in God even if he is not a Christian?
9. Does he/she have a nice house?

For some, the list goes on and on. These priorities are not right. What if God has a nice spouse who can provide for you and complements your God-given purpose, but he looks nothing like Shemar Moore, Mel Gibson, George Clooney, or Morris Chestnut? But you’re stuck on the fact that you have to have a supermodel for a husband. On the other hand there may be a very nice guy who has ambitions and dreams that have not yet manifested and he is working hard to achieve them. Don’t just look at what you see today. Pray about it. Maybe you’re not going to get an already made man. An already made man is most likely going to stick with that woman who ate McDonald’s with him when he could not afford to buy her steak and lobster. You can’t put God in a box. Remember, Father knows best; He sees what that man is destined to become when all you’re seeing is a janitor. Note: God is not going to hook you up with someone detestable or someone who turns your stomach to look at, so you should not worry about that. You will be compatible spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Marriage is not fashion. You are entering into a covenant (contract) not only with your spouse but also with God. Once contracts are made with God they are not to be broken, and this is why marriage is not something you enter into lightly. It is more than just a piece of paper. God sees the heart and that is how He judges, not based on physical attributes. You can meet a good-looking person who can end up being the best looking devil you ever would meet. You don’t want a mate who is fine as all get out calling you up talking like this: “Yo, baby, this is John John. I ain’t got no cell phone, I got to get my hustle up for a few days, but you can hit me up at my mama’s house. I’m staying over here to help her out.” He is not staying with his mother to help her out! He is staying with his mother because he is on a track called the “Loser Track” and you are his hustle!

It may be that we have gotten tired of dating because perhaps years have passed and we keep coming up empty. Therefore, we decide to lower our standards and throw in the towel and take the best of the worst. You should never allow yourself to get to the point that you will settle for just half a person; make sure your spouse is whole. Whoever said “A half a man is better than no man at all” did not know what they were talking about. You don’t want a little boy trapped in a grown man’s body, or a little girl trapped in a woman’s body, who you will have to take care of in every area imaginable. Listen to the person who said, “You can do bad all by yourself.”

Don’t bring problems into your life in the form of a spouse.

Mistake Four: Talking Too Much

I don’t mean you should sit silently eating your meal while your date dominates the conversation. You should be holding up your end of the conversation or the other person will think you’re a bore–or a doormat. But when you do speak, don’t go divulging every single fact and secret about yourself. When we as women tell men too much too soon, we come across as gullible. We come across as vulnerable. We come across as needy. We lose the respect of our date and open ourselves up to being victimized. Men may come off as pushy, arrogant, or insecure. You might think that by telling the person every bad thing about yourself now you are cutting to the chase; if this person can’t accept X, Y, and Z, then this relationship is over anyway. But you’ve got it wrong. If your date is serious about the relationship and getting to know you, then he will wait. It will take time for you both to get to know each other. Wait until you have built a foundation of trust. For now, give information on a need-to-know basis. Give the person a reason to ask you out again.

I used to think that I had to pour out my heart to every man who showed an interest in me. I used to think that if I didn’t, then I was being dishonest. By the end of the first conversation, the man knew everything there was to know about me. I learned the hard way that you can’t do this. You have to give him a little at a time. Telling him too much too soon says to him that you can’t be trusted. If he asks you a question that you are not yet ready to talk about, tell him that you feel that, at this stage of the relationship, the question is not appropriate.

Mistake Five: Giving Your Date a Title Too Quickly

Some people can have one date with a person, have a nice time, and then think “That’s my man” or “That’s my woman.” You might think that, tell your diary, but certainly don’t tell your date that! You will scare that person off in an instant! Just because your date was a gentleman and treated you like a lady may show that he has an interest in you; but you can blow it by moving too fast. Don’t start stalking him or giving him a title that he did not agree to. Even if he likes you he will run the other way when mention commitment and marriage on the second date. Don’t fall too deep too soon! Take it slow! You need to find out where his head is at first. Find out if this someone is good for you. Don’t jump all the way in with both feet. I am sure we can all think of someone that we know who jumped in headfirst with a person she/he had just barely met. If your date respects you, then that person will be willing to take it slow. If you respect yourself, you will take it slow. This principle applies to men as well as women. I have had my share of men who wanted to give me a title of some sort by the second date. The same thing that Kianna did to Charles happened to me.

I remember this time one of the ministers from my church asked me if I would be interested in sharing ideas with him about the youth. I told him that I would and so we exchanged phone numbers. The next day he called me and asked if we could meet and I told him sure. My first mistake was that I invited him to my house; being that he was an older gentleman I felt that it was a safe move (I thought that there was no way this older man would be interested in me romantically.)

The first thing he said was, “I don’t want to talk about church.” Well, it was my understanding that church business was the only reason he was there. Eight hours later he was still sitting in my living room. I had hinted for him to go; finally I just said, “You have to leave now.” He called me from the movie theater across the street and asked, “Can we continue our date by watching a movie?” I told him that I did not consider that to be a date. This man went around the church telling everybody that I was his woman and that he was going to marry me. I was not the least bit attracted to this man. He was far too old for me and he had nothing I would want; we were not compatible on any level, yet he jumped in headfirst and gave me a title that I had not agreed to. I was so embarrassed that I stopped going to church for months. This man served as armor bearer to my pastor and I felt that it would be extremely awkward to get into a debate with him. I did not know what the congregation would say knowing I made the mistake of allowing him into my house. This man even intercepted one of my children’s baptism certificates and added his name to it as father. It was not until I called one of the church mothers and ask her for a replacement that I decided to go back to the church. I broke down and told her the truth about everything, and she was very angry at the minister because of what he had done. She encouraged me to come back to church and have a meeting with my pastor. The following Sunday I returned to church. I held my head high and the minister never said anything else to me. A few people asked me straight out if it were true and I told them no. After that no one believed him.

Mistake Six: Not Minding Your Manners on the Date

Another common mistake people make on dates is that they do not behave like a lady or a gentleman. It is not good to go out on the date and eat yourself sick. If you are professing to be a Christian, then you should live up to that. Don’t say, “You know I’m a Christian,” then clear out the bar. Don’t use swear words or gossip about the other people in the restaurant. Don’t go being the one molesting your date while he is constantly running away from you like, “Hold on, Betty, now you told me you were a Christian.” This is not displaying behavior fit for a child of God.

Based on my research, the following are turn-offs that Christian men say have actually happened to them on dates